Don’t you love it when crazy people make fun of you and try to goad you into doing something that you’re obviously terrified to do? Me neither. I read a lot of articles and see things on the television that are supposedly “awesome” but I think they’re just “cray-cray”. Here is a list of 10 things that I’m pretty sure I’ll never do:
1 Go for a ride in a hot air balloon. It’s a f*cking balloon people.
2. Rollercoasters. Strap myself into a glorified bucket suspended so effing high above ground that even the BIRDS won’t fly that high? nope.
3. Jump from an airplane. This is why life on other planets won’t talk to us. They’re all scratching their little green heads saying, “Yeah that’s some crazy sh*t.”
4. Run an ULTRA marathon. I don’t have time to run 3 days straight and if I did, I’m pretty sure my kidneys would be hanging out of my ass by the end.
5. Pierce my privates. It seems kind of painful and who needs jewelry in their hoo-hoo?
6. Own an aquarium. Oh boy, a bunch of useless fish. If it can’t climb on the couch – it ain’t a pet.
7. Do partner yoga. That’s when two people (who may or may not know each other) do yoga poses together. It involves touching a sweaty stranger. Nope. I’m out.
8. Swim in a lake. That is really, really gross. Dogs poop in that lake. Guaranteed.
9. Rock climbing. Oh come on people. If humans were meant to scale rocks we’d be born with suction cups on our hands and feet.
10. Stop being ME. That’s right, the one thing I will never do is stop being ME.